ESSAY CONTEST RUNNER-UP
"Heart"
by Kathleen Peters
When I was pregnant with my son, Caden, seven years ago, I was a very different person. I had managed to get myself into a lot of trouble starting with a DUI, and ending by getting pregnant by a man who was a drug dealer. I was living in my parent’s house still, my friends had for one reason or another deserted me, and the only thing I had was this little life growing in my belly demanding cookies and milk at 4 a.m. I cried for months, apologizing over and over for making a mess of things and vowing that I’d find him a good father and do my best to make a good home. I had managed to pay off my debts, outfit a nursery with furniture that was sufficient at best, buy a new compact car, and keep a decent job. Through my guilty tears I’d also managed to find a daycare near work where I could stop by everyday at lunch even though it felt terrible to have to leave my baby with strangers so soon.
The days dwindled and when my doctor announced that I was scheduled to be induced I didn’t argue. I went in one night with my mother, got hooked up to IVs and in the morning it began. They ended up breaking my water, and doing a C-section, but aside from almost closing a clamp inside me, everything was going okay; until they took him for his circumcision. They wheeled my boy off and I didn’t see him again till hours later before he was emergently transported to a big hospital many miles away. Apparently he had begun to turn blue and they suspected the problem was beyond their capabilities. It turned out to be Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, a condition where the left ventricle of the heart doesn’t develop. Sadly, it would take four open heart surgeries in two years of hospital stays, medications, feeding tubes, therapy, and eventually his death before his sad story found its conclusion.
The pain was indescribable. I was so close to him in our little tragedy, since I wasn’t just his mother, but also his nurse. I remember being completely shattered after his diagnosis but somehow I found one of those deep wells of strength only a mother has, and did what I had to do. I handled the situation the best I knew how, which meant jumping in and dealing with it. After his death I didn’t know how I’d ever get myself together again. I didn’t know how I’d ever be pregnant, or be a normal parent after all I’d been through. Yet here I am, happily married a second time, and pregnant with a baby girl! I’m doing, and dealing and hoping it will all be better this time. Just as in the past I’m marching on into the unknown and I understand that you can’t plan everything, but you can try your hardest to make the best of what comes.
OTHER RUNNERS-UP
Michelle Collins Anderson
Catherine Anderson
Kirsten Brunner
Maureen Murov
Judy Nugent
Suzanne Scanlon
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